I Don't Know!

I've learned a lot about myself in the past six weeks. I always thought that sounded strange when people said things like that. I mean...come on..you learned more about yourself? Aren't you already supposed to know? Shouldn't you do something more productive like...learning about other people? I guess that was just yet another attitude I had that was wrong. I have so many of those. Well, God has been showing me my attitude and revealing my heart to me and beginning to break down my old mindsets.

When I was younger I believed that if you didn't go to college after you graduated high school, you went to jail. I was shocked when my friend told me that her older brother was not going to college. Yes, I thought it was illegal.

Of course, I later realized this was false and you would not be arrested if you chose not to go to college. However, I believe this mindset stuck: people should go to college after they graduate. If they don't, they won't succeed in life. if they do, they must choose a major and stick with it. If they change it, they don't know what they're doing. If they transfer, same thing. Although I did not realize it completely, this was my mindset, among other things.

From the time you are able to talk until who knows when...people always ask you the same questions: what do you want to be when you grow up? Where are you going to college? What do you want to major in? What do you want to have a career in? What are your future plans?

Even when you are a baby people talk about what you are going to be and what you are going to do. When you meet someone what do you ask? "What do you do?" Your job is not only your career, but who you are, and how people percieve you.

A lot of pressure is put on high school students their junior and senior year to make a decision; not only by other people, but themselves as well. If you are asked every day where you are going to college and have to answer "I don't know" every single time, and watch the person's facial disapproval, then you are most likely going to want to come up with an answer soon.

I am not, by any means, saying it is bad that some students know where they are going and what they are doing by the time they are a Junior in high school. That is great. But every single person is different. It's okay to say "I don't know yet". And even if you have your plans all made up, be open to change. Do we ever really know what is going to happen? Proverbs 16:9 says: "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."

This week I changed my major, something I said I'd never do. I thought about transferring, which is also something I said I'd never do. I think God is really opening up my heart and my mind to things that I never would have considered before. He says: "Ali, it's not your life, it's Mine. It's not about you. It's about Me." The world might have certain expectations for me, but all that matters is what God wants from me. I am not trying to please the world. I am trying to please God.

So, for right now, I'm still trying to figure everything out. And that's okay. We don't have to KNOW everything. In fact, I think God makes it that way. We don't know everything, so we can rely on Him; the One who does know everything. So I can proudly say I don't know what my future holds, but I do know Who is holding the future.

An Itch in My Heart

Lately, I've been asking a lot of questions. You can probably tell by my last blog post. The main question was: "where do I belong?" Well, I don't know the answer to that quite yet, but I know that God will reveal it to me in time..His time.

Tonight, I saw two guys on a stage, doing what they loved; passionately following their dream. I almost cried several times. I love watching passionate people doing what they love. And they are amazing at it! It's so fulfilling. I'm not sure why, since I'm not doing what they are doing. But I love seeing it..witnessing it. Maybe because I can actually see that it isn't hopeless. There are people in the world doing what they love...and they are making it. And I want to support them in everything they do.

As the show went on, I felt something. My heart began to itch. I know God has a plan for me. I just don't know what it is yet. But I want to find it. I want to search, I want to grow, and I want to be where He wants me to be. Because I know that is the best place for me; and the place I should be.

As I said, I don't have the answers. But I will strive and yearn and search until I find them. I don't know where I'm supposed to be. But I will let God search my heart. I will pray for guidance. And most important of all, I will listen for the answer that will guide me into the place in which I so long to be.

This evening after I arrived home I took my dog outside for her to do her business one last time before bed. A song came to me. So there, in the dark of the night in my backyard, I sang the song that God seemed to place in my heart. I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure where it came from, but it was what was on my heart. In fact, my dog was quite concerned for me and was acting strange. I sing all the time and she never acted this way so it was weird for her..and me. The words were raw and real and only for the One who heard them. The melody will soon be forgotten because it was a one time God thing. A prayer in song.

God I don't know, but You do. God I am not sure, but I know You have it all in Your hands. God, my heart itches; please scratch it. Fulfill me. Only You can do this. Only you. Wherever I end up, I want it to be where You want me.

This blog post is quite random and it might not make any sense. I guess I will see in the morning when I look at it in confusion...

Where do I belong?

Have you ever felt like you don't belong? Like, wherever you go, you aren't at home? You thought you knew where you were supposed to be but now you aren't so sure. You walk around in a world where everyone seems to know where they are going. But you feel lost. You don't know what your map looks like. It is scribbled and blurred and unreadable.

I've made decisions. But I am contemplating change. Am I right? Or am I wrong? What is my purpose? What is my ambition? I need a holy ambition. I haven't found one. What does God want me to do??

What do you want from me God!? I want to do Your will but I am so confused and unsure. Decisions have to be made though. I've gone in too deep to get out. Or have I? What can I do to get out of this mess? Is it even a mess? I don't feel passionate anymore.

I'm not happy where I am. I'm not happy with what I'm doing. Every single say I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I don't like my school and I'm beginning to be unsure about my major. Is this really what I want to do for the rest of my life? I enjoy this subject of my major but do I really want to be doing this for the rest of my life? Stuck in a lab, secluded from the world, and trying things over and over with possibly a huge amount of failures before I get to where I want to be?

Or do I want to do what I love most. Do I want to write? Can I make that into a career? Is it possible? Is it probable? Is it wise? When I think about that...when I think of possibly writing plays or poetry or fiction or something of that sort...for the rest of my life...it makes me smile. It makes me get excited. What if I wrote for a magazine? What if I was an editor? What if I blogged for a living? What if I wrote plays or screenplays? That would be thrilling...

But what if I get there and think the same thing I thought of this choice? What if I am just a recipe for failure? What if college is just not for me. What if...that's all I can ask.

So many questions. I want answers! HELP. I just want to go in a dark room all alone and PRAY!!! For weeks and weeks...until I hear .. Until I figure it out. Really, I just want to know God and be near Him. That is my One goal and purpose. How do I incorporate that into my life? How?

The Truth. No Lies

I have been at college now for over three weeks. I am not going to lie. It has been extremely tough for me. The first weekend here, and even the first week, was awful. My roommate bailed on me, I had no friends, someone stole from my checking account, as well as the normal feelings of loneliness and nervousness.

As the first week ended it seemed to be becoming better. I went home and things were awesome. But I didn't want to go back. The next week kind of stunk too. I had my ups and downs; way more frequently than normal. I had high highs and low lows. I was, and still am completely out of my element. I am beginning college, which is way different than high school, and I am in a new town and place in a dorm sharing four showers with thirty other girls. I missed my family. I missed my friends. I was overwhelmed. I was lonely.

With all of this going on you think I would turn directly to God. But the truth is, I drifted much farther away from Him. Today I opened my Bible for the first time in weeks. Well, yes, I opened my Bible at Church and at Campus Christians and Campus Crusade for Christ. But it didn't mean anything. My heart wasn't in it. I wasn't right with God. I was angry with Him. I was upset with Him. I ignored Him. Everything I did, everything I said was empty. Just emptiness that came from the hole that formed inside me.

I don't know why I always think I can do things alone. I am always afraid to ask for help. I'm prideful, stubborn, and arrogant. "What? Need God's help? Nah! I can do it all by myself. I'm not stupid." But I am stupid. I am foolish.

I opened my Bible this evening just wanting God to show me His love. But for the first time in a long time I was open to Him. I wanted to hear Him speak to me. I opened my Bible to Romans 1. Don't ask me why. It just happened. I began reading. Then I got to verse 18. Keep in mind that I've read these verses many many times. Although I haven't read them in a while, they were some of my favorites.

18-20
"The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse."

At this point I'm thinking what I'm always thinking when I read this. "YES! You foolish atheists, look! Can't you see God?? Why do you deny the truth that is before your eyes?? Why can't you see!?"

I kept reading.
21-23
"For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles."

I stopped being indignant in my mind and started really thinking and soon began to cry as reality sunk in. I've been believing lies. I haven't been glorifying God or thanking Him for what He's done for me. I've been selfish and angry and upset with Him. I thought I could handle everything on my own. I thought I was so great and smart. But I'm a fool. I placed EVERYTHING else before Him. I was more focused on my little pity parties than actually talking to God.

24-25
"Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen."

My heart sank when I read "they exchanged the truth of God for a lie". I am the queen of lying to myself. I feed myself lies daily. Most of them are put downs. Like "I'm not good enough", "No one loves me", "no one would want to be friends with me", "I'm a dork", "I can't", "I will never be able to"..ect ect. I haven't been grounding myself in God's truth. I haven't been keeping my foundation on the rock. In fact, I think I jumped off the rock and am stumbling along the beach being hit in the face with the waves.

28-32
"Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."

So, I began reading hoping to just get a bunch of lovey dovey Jesus loves you no matter what you do crap and instead I got a slap in the face, which is really what I needed. The truth is, I know God loves me. That's not what I needed to hear at this point. I needed to hear God say: "Ali, get your act together." And that's exactly what happened.