The Risk

I have been praying a lot lately, I’m not just saying that to say that to say that...or impress anyone, or convince people that God made the decisions I am making. I really have been praying because I really want God to be first in my life. I want Him to be the focus of my life and every choice I make to be made around Him. At first I was frustrated because I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere. I was reading my Bible every single day and praying, but I was irritated because I still felt so far away. During Spring Break I was so confused as to what I was supposed to do. 

For the past couple months I’ve been in the process of giving myself back to God. He is so amazing and incredible and deserves to be praised. I am in awe of Him. How could He love someone such as me? How could He die for me and all of my sins? I can hardly comprehend it all. I've realized I’ve been taking things for granted lately. Every single day is a gift from God. I have been enjoying myself more because I’ve been appreciating the little things and the big things. I've realized how blessed I am. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about risks. I have always hated them. This is because I don't like to make mistakes or have regrets. But really, every single day is a risk right? Every day I have a chance of breathing my last. I never know what will happen. God has His own plan and I am NEVER in control. This is something I have to get used to. I have to trust Him. I think that is something that He wants me to learn. I have to have faith.

Living every day by just going through the motions isn’t cutting it anymore. I don’t know when I could die. I don’t know if I will even finish typing this. But I don’t think I should be wasting time anymore.I waste time so much. I am such a procrastinator. And I don’t like taking risks because I am always scared. Let me repeat. I am ALWAYS scared. But I shouldn’t be afraid. God has not given me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, and of love, and a sound mind. With God I can do all things and if I trust in Him, there is no reason to be afraid anymore. I can now step out on my waves in this storm of a life that I am so afraid of and take a chance. I don't want to die wondering what would have happened if...

No Normal Day

Today is a wonderful day. Some people may argue with that statement. Today I had to take a test...or today I had to get up early...or today has just been crappy...or today is just a normal boring day. No day is normal. When we go throughout our day we usually don't think about God. We don't think about what He's done and what He's created. But He's there. We take things for granted...like our kidneys. The only people who really think about their kidneys are people who have something wrong with their kidney. We take it for granted...as well as say our liver or our lungs. 
You drive down the highway at 70 miles per hour only a few feet away from cars who are going just as fast in the opposite direction as you; just like always. Someone would only have to jerk or hit there arm for you to be dead. Ever think about that? No day is normal because it could be our last. We don't know what will happen. Only God does. We are never in control. He is. Scary eh? Every day is a risk. We don't know what will happen. But we still have free will. We get to choose how we live. Will we take these days for granted? We don't even deserve these amazing days, but Gods grace gives them to us. Today is no normal day. Today is amazing. 

My One Day Without Shoes

Yesterday, April 5th, was TOMS One Day Without Shoes. If you haven't heard of TOMS, they are a company that sells shoes and for every pair of shoes you buy, another pair goes to a child in need. The company began when Blake Mycoskie went to Argentina in 2006 and realized that most children didn't own a pair of shoes and couldn't afford them. Blake returned later that year to Argentina with 10,000 pairs of shoes that were made possible by TOMS customers. Most children in developing countries grow up without shoes and their families cannot afford them. Soil transmitted diseases are a leading cause of disease in these countries which penetrates the skin through bare feet and this could be prevented simply by wearing shoes. Also, being barefoot can also cause cuts and sores that can later become infected. Schools in these areas sometimes don't allow children to attend school if they do not wear shoes, this prevents most children from receiving the education that they need.

One Day without Shoes is an event that TOMS does every year to spread the word about this need for shoes and to spread the word about TOMS. Yesterday I went one day without shoes for the first time. I had been spreading the word through Facebook about the event and I had received different reactions from different people. Some people were all for it and wanted to do it as well. Others thought it was a good cause but they weren't going barefoot -- no way. Still others thought TOMS shoes was a joke and that their shoes didn't help kids because they weren't sturdy and they thought it was funny that the company told people how terrible it was to go without shoes and then asked the world to do it for a day. I read all of these things.

I have the fault of really caring what other people think; so much that I can put my worth in other people's opinions of me or what I'm doing. Usually when I make a decision this is the first thing that pops into my mind: what will people think of me? It is one of the greatest fears that I have. There is no need to lecture me. I know...I know...don't give into peer pressure...blah, blah, blah. It's not that I consciously even think about it, it just happens. It is something that I have been working on lately. So while reading these comments I was already fighting back these thoughts.

First of all, going barefoot for one day will not do anything terrible to your feet. I mean really, what are people going to do in that day? Go climb mount everest? The worst people could do is probably feel uncomfortable and perhaps cut their foot or get a blister. You aren't going to get a soil transmitted disease and you aren't going to die from going without shoes for ONE day. Those thoughts are ridiculous.

This was actually a bigger deal to me than most people thought. You see, one of my biggest insecurities is my feet. I hate them. They are big, long, thin, and flat and I find them atrocious. This is one reason I almost never wear sandals. I just cover them up with shoes. Perhaps that is one of the reasons I love shoes. Perhaps that is one of the reasons I am so passionate about this company and what they are doing. I'm not sure. I just have a compassionate heart.

Going throughout the day yesterday, people stared...at my feet. I believe my face was probably flushed for most of the day because of the thoughts that were going through my mind. I only saw one person during that entire day that was barefoot like me. On the plus side, it started up conversations. A girl in one of my classes was asking me where my shoes were. I asked her if she had ever heard of TOMS shoes and she said no. So I began to tell her about the company and then the one day without shoes event. She said that was really cool and by the end of our conversation she took off her shoes with me and said she was going to go the rest of the day barefoot. Later that day I had a conversation with the custodian in one of the buildings. She had heard of one day without shoes. Last year she was a custodian for the Family and Consumer Science building and the whole department went without shoes and she did it too for as much of the day as she could, considering her job.

Overall it was a very interesting day, and one that I will remember forever. I know I will continue to participate in One Day Without Shoes for years to come.

Breathe

Do you know the feeling of pure excitement? When you just want to do something...anything...but you can't? You want to sing and dance and scream and shout...just to be able to speak. You want to tell the whole world what is on your mind. It's the feeling that you are bursting at the seams. Something wants to come out of you, but you are silent.

Your heart won't stop pounding. You shake at times because what else can you do? Your mind is boggled. There are butterflies...in your stomach. But you don't want to call them butterflies. They seem like giant birds. You have to put major self control into place or else you might do something impulsive. You're happy...but you can't explain why; joyful really. But you're sad too, sad that you can't move.

All you can do is breathe. You breathe and you wonder how many more breaths you have left. Six-hundred? Or six-hundred million? Who do you want to spend the rest of those breaths with? Do you look forward to tomorrow? Does it thrill you? Does it scare you? Because...it's not that you want to be with somebody you could just live with...no...we do that with roommates...maybe even brothers or sisters. But you...what you really want is to be with somebody you can't live without.

Driving

I am sitting in the driver's seat of my vehicle, driving down a road that is long and seemingly never ending. I do not remember when I was not driving. I do not remember when I was not staring at the paved road in front of me. The scenery on the sides of me change every single day. Sometimes I see vast fields of nothing, other times I see towns or cities or just roads leading to different places. There have been times where I take exits to stop off and rest in a city, or to keep driving in different directions, but those times are few.

There have been times when I smell dead skunks on the side of the road and I smell them for miles at a time, unable to get rid of the perpetrating odor. There have also been times that I have been distracted by something on the side of the road and almost lose control of the car. Sometimes I turn up the music and sing loudly so that nothing can distract me from my task at hand: driving.

Sometimes I pretend that I am something that I am not. I sit in my seat and pretend I am driving a race car and concentrate really hard on my turns and my acceleration and sometimes I go faster than I really need to.

There are times when I am impatient with others around me and that are holding me up. I yell at the slow grandma driving ahead of me and ride her bumper until I can pass her up. There are other times when I don't feel like passing anyone and I stay behind the crowd, letting others pass me. I don't feel like going anywhere and my motivation and speed decrease dramatically.

There are times I miss my turn off and keep going on the road because I wasn't paying attention and I have no idea where I am. There are times I turn off too soon because I become too anxious about reaching my destination. I become lost for hours and I panic because I absolutely hate that feeling. But I only stop and ask for directions when I am desperate because I am too prideful to ask for help. I don't like feeling incapable.

Sometimes when the weather becomes hot and unbearable, I begin to have optical allusions. I think I see what is ahead but I don't. I am being tricked and lied to. This happens often because I am so gullible, even by my own mind. I think that something is going to happen that really isn't, or I see something or someone how I want to see them. I am tricked.

When I am driving for too long I become tired. I know I can't do this by myself. I need someone to take over. But sometimes I keep on driving. The Person who is in the passenger seat tried to help. He tells me to just pull over and He will drive. But I don't let Him. I say that I can do it on my own. I don't need His help. Sometimes I become so frustrated and stubborn that I make Him sit in the back seat so I can have control over everything.

I am selfish. I am prideful. I think I can do everything on my own. I don't trust the One who can help me. I need to have faith. I need Jesus. Please get in the driver's seat.

The Truth Is

I have the quite inefficient, but abounding skill of lying to myself. I can make myself believe almost anything, or not believe anything. Sometimes I think this is because I think and overanalyze too much, and speak and vent to others too little. Even so, truth has always been something I searched and longed for. It is a wonderful thing to know the truth and to know for sure that someone is being completely honest with you. This is something that is so important to me: not being lied to. This is why I try to be honest with everyone. It is the least I can do. But yet, if this is so important to me, why do I lie to the person who is closest to me? Myself?
The truth is that I don't respect myself and I don't believe I am enough. I crave the approval of others. I never think I am doing enough. I am incredibly hard on myself, especially when I make a mistake. For some reason I aim for perfection; something unattainable. And when I don't reach it, the wounds from my fall take much longer to heal than I thought they would. Regret is an enemy that comes all too often. It is what keeps the wounds festered. I have heard people say that they do not live with regrets. I do not see this as possible. How can we as humans never regret? I sometimes think I am too dramatic. My life has never been terrible nor glamorous. And yet I make it so. But hey, saying the carpet I walk on is red instead of white and the animal I meet is a lion instead of a house cat isn't stretching the truth..that much. I just wish I could tame that lion.

Thank You

This list is a little late -- better late then never.


My wonderful Savior Jesus Christ: for loving me when I don't deserve it, for being patient when I'm so stubborn, and for hitting me upside the head when I need a wake up call. There are not enough words to describe.

My amazing and wonderful family. I am so thankful I was able to spend thanksgiving with them. I am thankful for the support that my parents have given me and their encouragement and love in every situation. My Mom, who has put up with me and loved me since the day that I was created in her womb: from my endless kicking to my terrible 3's to my awful teenage years that I am still in. From my temper tantrums to my angry outbursts, she has somehow not kicked me out of the house. She even managed to be my teacher in school from preschool through my senior year in high school. I could never say thank you enough. I love you.
My Dad, who is the smartest man I know. He has given me so much knowledge and wisdom and the best advice anyone could ask for. Dad, thank you for the pillow fights, tickling, and singing the teddy bear song. You always make me laugh. Thank you for hearing me when I cry and comforting me. You always knew when something was wrong even if I did not tell you. I'm sorry I lied so much about it. Thank you for being so honest with me. I love you.
I am thankful for my two brothers who always make me laugh; for their teasing and their mischievousness. They are both so bright and smart and I love it when they show it. Philip is so fun and is never afraid of being silly with me. But he truly does care and is so sweet. He is so helpful and willing, I hope he never loses it. Elijah is so very talented. He is such a great writer and is so smart. He says the most clever things and he always makes me laugh. Even though he pretends he doesn't care, I've seen him surprisingly protective of me and I love it. I love you both.

I am thankful for the people in my life who were there for me when I needed them. This is a great variety of people; from acquaintances to casual friends to best friends. It was the person who made me smile when I was having a bad day. The person who hugged me when I just wanted to know someone cared. It was the person who complimented me when I felt ugly. It was the person who encouraged me when I was down. It was the person who told me like it was when I needed to hear the truth. It was the person who challenged me. It was the person who taught me. It was the person who gave me a second chance. It was the person who loved me. These people are the people I will never forget.

I am thankful for friends who let me in when I don't have a place to stay, for my tiny dorm and bed that serve their purpose, for my amazing roommmate who I believe was a godsend, for my wonderful boyfriend who makes my day, for my school and my teachers, and for everything that I take for granted every single day. God is so good, all the time.