I have the quite inefficient, but abounding skill of lying to myself. I can make myself believe almost anything, or not believe anything. Sometimes I think this is because I think and overanalyze too much, and speak and vent to others too little. Even so, truth has always been something I searched and longed for. It is a wonderful thing to know the truth and to know for sure that someone is being completely honest with you. This is something that is so important to me: not being lied to. This is why I try to be honest with everyone. It is the least I can do. But yet, if this is so important to me, why do I lie to the person who is closest to me? Myself?
The truth is that I don't respect myself and I don't believe I am enough. I crave the approval of others. I never think I am doing enough. I am incredibly hard on myself, especially when I make a mistake. For some reason I aim for perfection; something unattainable. And when I don't reach it, the wounds from my fall take much longer to heal than I thought they would. Regret is an enemy that comes all too often. It is what keeps the wounds festered. I have heard people say that they do not live with regrets. I do not see this as possible. How can we as humans never regret? I sometimes think I am too dramatic. My life has never been terrible nor glamorous. And yet I make it so. But hey, saying the carpet I walk on is red instead of white and the animal I meet is a lion instead of a house cat isn't stretching the truth..that much. I just wish I could tame that lion.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Thank You
This list is a little late -- better late then never.
My wonderful Savior Jesus Christ: for loving me when I don't deserve it, for being patient when I'm so stubborn, and for hitting me upside the head when I need a wake up call. There are not enough words to describe.
My amazing and wonderful family. I am so thankful I was able to spend thanksgiving with them. I am thankful for the support that my parents have given me and their encouragement and love in every situation. My Mom, who has put up with me and loved me since the day that I was created in her womb: from my endless kicking to my terrible 3's to my awful teenage years that I am still in. From my temper tantrums to my angry outbursts, she has somehow not kicked me out of the house. She even managed to be my teacher in school from preschool through my senior year in high school. I could never say thank you enough. I love you.
My Dad, who is the smartest man I know. He has given me so much knowledge and wisdom and the best advice anyone could ask for. Dad, thank you for the pillow fights, tickling, and singing the teddy bear song. You always make me laugh. Thank you for hearing me when I cry and comforting me. You always knew when something was wrong even if I did not tell you. I'm sorry I lied so much about it. Thank you for being so honest with me. I love you.
I am thankful for my two brothers who always make me laugh; for their teasing and their mischievousness. They are both so bright and smart and I love it when they show it. Philip is so fun and is never afraid of being silly with me. But he truly does care and is so sweet. He is so helpful and willing, I hope he never loses it. Elijah is so very talented. He is such a great writer and is so smart. He says the most clever things and he always makes me laugh. Even though he pretends he doesn't care, I've seen him surprisingly protective of me and I love it. I love you both.
I am thankful for the people in my life who were there for me when I needed them. This is a great variety of people; from acquaintances to casual friends to best friends. It was the person who made me smile when I was having a bad day. The person who hugged me when I just wanted to know someone cared. It was the person who complimented me when I felt ugly. It was the person who encouraged me when I was down. It was the person who told me like it was when I needed to hear the truth. It was the person who challenged me. It was the person who taught me. It was the person who gave me a second chance. It was the person who loved me. These people are the people I will never forget.
I am thankful for friends who let me in when I don't have a place to stay, for my tiny dorm and bed that serve their purpose, for my amazing roommmate who I believe was a godsend, for my wonderful boyfriend who makes my day, for my school and my teachers, and for everything that I take for granted every single day. God is so good, all the time.
My wonderful Savior Jesus Christ: for loving me when I don't deserve it, for being patient when I'm so stubborn, and for hitting me upside the head when I need a wake up call. There are not enough words to describe.
My amazing and wonderful family. I am so thankful I was able to spend thanksgiving with them. I am thankful for the support that my parents have given me and their encouragement and love in every situation. My Mom, who has put up with me and loved me since the day that I was created in her womb: from my endless kicking to my terrible 3's to my awful teenage years that I am still in. From my temper tantrums to my angry outbursts, she has somehow not kicked me out of the house. She even managed to be my teacher in school from preschool through my senior year in high school. I could never say thank you enough. I love you.
My Dad, who is the smartest man I know. He has given me so much knowledge and wisdom and the best advice anyone could ask for. Dad, thank you for the pillow fights, tickling, and singing the teddy bear song. You always make me laugh. Thank you for hearing me when I cry and comforting me. You always knew when something was wrong even if I did not tell you. I'm sorry I lied so much about it. Thank you for being so honest with me. I love you.
I am thankful for my two brothers who always make me laugh; for their teasing and their mischievousness. They are both so bright and smart and I love it when they show it. Philip is so fun and is never afraid of being silly with me. But he truly does care and is so sweet. He is so helpful and willing, I hope he never loses it. Elijah is so very talented. He is such a great writer and is so smart. He says the most clever things and he always makes me laugh. Even though he pretends he doesn't care, I've seen him surprisingly protective of me and I love it. I love you both.
I am thankful for the people in my life who were there for me when I needed them. This is a great variety of people; from acquaintances to casual friends to best friends. It was the person who made me smile when I was having a bad day. The person who hugged me when I just wanted to know someone cared. It was the person who complimented me when I felt ugly. It was the person who encouraged me when I was down. It was the person who told me like it was when I needed to hear the truth. It was the person who challenged me. It was the person who taught me. It was the person who gave me a second chance. It was the person who loved me. These people are the people I will never forget.
I am thankful for friends who let me in when I don't have a place to stay, for my tiny dorm and bed that serve their purpose, for my amazing roommmate who I believe was a godsend, for my wonderful boyfriend who makes my day, for my school and my teachers, and for everything that I take for granted every single day. God is so good, all the time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)