The Risk

I have been praying a lot lately, I’m not just saying that to say that to say that...or impress anyone, or convince people that God made the decisions I am making. I really have been praying because I really want God to be first in my life. I want Him to be the focus of my life and every choice I make to be made around Him. At first I was frustrated because I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere. I was reading my Bible every single day and praying, but I was irritated because I still felt so far away. During Spring Break I was so confused as to what I was supposed to do. 

For the past couple months I’ve been in the process of giving myself back to God. He is so amazing and incredible and deserves to be praised. I am in awe of Him. How could He love someone such as me? How could He die for me and all of my sins? I can hardly comprehend it all. I've realized I’ve been taking things for granted lately. Every single day is a gift from God. I have been enjoying myself more because I’ve been appreciating the little things and the big things. I've realized how blessed I am. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about risks. I have always hated them. This is because I don't like to make mistakes or have regrets. But really, every single day is a risk right? Every day I have a chance of breathing my last. I never know what will happen. God has His own plan and I am NEVER in control. This is something I have to get used to. I have to trust Him. I think that is something that He wants me to learn. I have to have faith.

Living every day by just going through the motions isn’t cutting it anymore. I don’t know when I could die. I don’t know if I will even finish typing this. But I don’t think I should be wasting time anymore.I waste time so much. I am such a procrastinator. And I don’t like taking risks because I am always scared. Let me repeat. I am ALWAYS scared. But I shouldn’t be afraid. God has not given me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, and of love, and a sound mind. With God I can do all things and if I trust in Him, there is no reason to be afraid anymore. I can now step out on my waves in this storm of a life that I am so afraid of and take a chance. I don't want to die wondering what would have happened if...

No Normal Day

Today is a wonderful day. Some people may argue with that statement. Today I had to take a test...or today I had to get up early...or today has just been crappy...or today is just a normal boring day. No day is normal. When we go throughout our day we usually don't think about God. We don't think about what He's done and what He's created. But He's there. We take things for granted...like our kidneys. The only people who really think about their kidneys are people who have something wrong with their kidney. We take it for granted...as well as say our liver or our lungs. 
You drive down the highway at 70 miles per hour only a few feet away from cars who are going just as fast in the opposite direction as you; just like always. Someone would only have to jerk or hit there arm for you to be dead. Ever think about that? No day is normal because it could be our last. We don't know what will happen. Only God does. We are never in control. He is. Scary eh? Every day is a risk. We don't know what will happen. But we still have free will. We get to choose how we live. Will we take these days for granted? We don't even deserve these amazing days, but Gods grace gives them to us. Today is no normal day. Today is amazing. 

Driving

I am sitting in the driver's seat of my vehicle, driving down a road that is long and seemingly never ending. I do not remember when I was not driving. I do not remember when I was not staring at the paved road in front of me. The scenery on the sides of me change every single day. Sometimes I see vast fields of nothing, other times I see towns or cities or just roads leading to different places. There have been times where I take exits to stop off and rest in a city, or to keep driving in different directions, but those times are few.

There have been times when I smell dead skunks on the side of the road and I smell them for miles at a time, unable to get rid of the perpetrating odor. There have also been times that I have been distracted by something on the side of the road and almost lose control of the car. Sometimes I turn up the music and sing loudly so that nothing can distract me from my task at hand: driving.

Sometimes I pretend that I am something that I am not. I sit in my seat and pretend I am driving a race car and concentrate really hard on my turns and my acceleration and sometimes I go faster than I really need to.

There are times when I am impatient with others around me and that are holding me up. I yell at the slow grandma driving ahead of me and ride her bumper until I can pass her up. There are other times when I don't feel like passing anyone and I stay behind the crowd, letting others pass me. I don't feel like going anywhere and my motivation and speed decrease dramatically.

There are times I miss my turn off and keep going on the road because I wasn't paying attention and I have no idea where I am. There are times I turn off too soon because I become too anxious about reaching my destination. I become lost for hours and I panic because I absolutely hate that feeling. But I only stop and ask for directions when I am desperate because I am too prideful to ask for help. I don't like feeling incapable.

Sometimes when the weather becomes hot and unbearable, I begin to have optical allusions. I think I see what is ahead but I don't. I am being tricked and lied to. This happens often because I am so gullible, even by my own mind. I think that something is going to happen that really isn't, or I see something or someone how I want to see them. I am tricked.

When I am driving for too long I become tired. I know I can't do this by myself. I need someone to take over. But sometimes I keep on driving. The Person who is in the passenger seat tried to help. He tells me to just pull over and He will drive. But I don't let Him. I say that I can do it on my own. I don't need His help. Sometimes I become so frustrated and stubborn that I make Him sit in the back seat so I can have control over everything.

I am selfish. I am prideful. I think I can do everything on my own. I don't trust the One who can help me. I need to have faith. I need Jesus. Please get in the driver's seat.

I Don't Know!

I've learned a lot about myself in the past six weeks. I always thought that sounded strange when people said things like that. I mean...come on..you learned more about yourself? Aren't you already supposed to know? Shouldn't you do something more productive like...learning about other people? I guess that was just yet another attitude I had that was wrong. I have so many of those. Well, God has been showing me my attitude and revealing my heart to me and beginning to break down my old mindsets.

When I was younger I believed that if you didn't go to college after you graduated high school, you went to jail. I was shocked when my friend told me that her older brother was not going to college. Yes, I thought it was illegal.

Of course, I later realized this was false and you would not be arrested if you chose not to go to college. However, I believe this mindset stuck: people should go to college after they graduate. If they don't, they won't succeed in life. if they do, they must choose a major and stick with it. If they change it, they don't know what they're doing. If they transfer, same thing. Although I did not realize it completely, this was my mindset, among other things.

From the time you are able to talk until who knows when...people always ask you the same questions: what do you want to be when you grow up? Where are you going to college? What do you want to major in? What do you want to have a career in? What are your future plans?

Even when you are a baby people talk about what you are going to be and what you are going to do. When you meet someone what do you ask? "What do you do?" Your job is not only your career, but who you are, and how people percieve you.

A lot of pressure is put on high school students their junior and senior year to make a decision; not only by other people, but themselves as well. If you are asked every day where you are going to college and have to answer "I don't know" every single time, and watch the person's facial disapproval, then you are most likely going to want to come up with an answer soon.

I am not, by any means, saying it is bad that some students know where they are going and what they are doing by the time they are a Junior in high school. That is great. But every single person is different. It's okay to say "I don't know yet". And even if you have your plans all made up, be open to change. Do we ever really know what is going to happen? Proverbs 16:9 says: "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."

This week I changed my major, something I said I'd never do. I thought about transferring, which is also something I said I'd never do. I think God is really opening up my heart and my mind to things that I never would have considered before. He says: "Ali, it's not your life, it's Mine. It's not about you. It's about Me." The world might have certain expectations for me, but all that matters is what God wants from me. I am not trying to please the world. I am trying to please God.

So, for right now, I'm still trying to figure everything out. And that's okay. We don't have to KNOW everything. In fact, I think God makes it that way. We don't know everything, so we can rely on Him; the One who does know everything. So I can proudly say I don't know what my future holds, but I do know Who is holding the future.

The Truth. No Lies

I have been at college now for over three weeks. I am not going to lie. It has been extremely tough for me. The first weekend here, and even the first week, was awful. My roommate bailed on me, I had no friends, someone stole from my checking account, as well as the normal feelings of loneliness and nervousness.

As the first week ended it seemed to be becoming better. I went home and things were awesome. But I didn't want to go back. The next week kind of stunk too. I had my ups and downs; way more frequently than normal. I had high highs and low lows. I was, and still am completely out of my element. I am beginning college, which is way different than high school, and I am in a new town and place in a dorm sharing four showers with thirty other girls. I missed my family. I missed my friends. I was overwhelmed. I was lonely.

With all of this going on you think I would turn directly to God. But the truth is, I drifted much farther away from Him. Today I opened my Bible for the first time in weeks. Well, yes, I opened my Bible at Church and at Campus Christians and Campus Crusade for Christ. But it didn't mean anything. My heart wasn't in it. I wasn't right with God. I was angry with Him. I was upset with Him. I ignored Him. Everything I did, everything I said was empty. Just emptiness that came from the hole that formed inside me.

I don't know why I always think I can do things alone. I am always afraid to ask for help. I'm prideful, stubborn, and arrogant. "What? Need God's help? Nah! I can do it all by myself. I'm not stupid." But I am stupid. I am foolish.

I opened my Bible this evening just wanting God to show me His love. But for the first time in a long time I was open to Him. I wanted to hear Him speak to me. I opened my Bible to Romans 1. Don't ask me why. It just happened. I began reading. Then I got to verse 18. Keep in mind that I've read these verses many many times. Although I haven't read them in a while, they were some of my favorites.

18-20
"The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse."

At this point I'm thinking what I'm always thinking when I read this. "YES! You foolish atheists, look! Can't you see God?? Why do you deny the truth that is before your eyes?? Why can't you see!?"

I kept reading.
21-23
"For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles."

I stopped being indignant in my mind and started really thinking and soon began to cry as reality sunk in. I've been believing lies. I haven't been glorifying God or thanking Him for what He's done for me. I've been selfish and angry and upset with Him. I thought I could handle everything on my own. I thought I was so great and smart. But I'm a fool. I placed EVERYTHING else before Him. I was more focused on my little pity parties than actually talking to God.

24-25
"Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen."

My heart sank when I read "they exchanged the truth of God for a lie". I am the queen of lying to myself. I feed myself lies daily. Most of them are put downs. Like "I'm not good enough", "No one loves me", "no one would want to be friends with me", "I'm a dork", "I can't", "I will never be able to"..ect ect. I haven't been grounding myself in God's truth. I haven't been keeping my foundation on the rock. In fact, I think I jumped off the rock and am stumbling along the beach being hit in the face with the waves.

28-32
"Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."

So, I began reading hoping to just get a bunch of lovey dovey Jesus loves you no matter what you do crap and instead I got a slap in the face, which is really what I needed. The truth is, I know God loves me. That's not what I needed to hear at this point. I needed to hear God say: "Ali, get your act together." And that's exactly what happened.