I have the quite inefficient, but abounding skill of lying to myself. I can make myself believe almost anything, or not believe anything. Sometimes I think this is because I think and overanalyze too much, and speak and vent to others too little. Even so, truth has always been something I searched and longed for. It is a wonderful thing to know the truth and to know for sure that someone is being completely honest with you. This is something that is so important to me: not being lied to. This is why I try to be honest with everyone. It is the least I can do. But yet, if this is so important to me, why do I lie to the person who is closest to me? Myself?
The truth is that I don't respect myself and I don't believe I am enough. I crave the approval of others. I never think I am doing enough. I am incredibly hard on myself, especially when I make a mistake. For some reason I aim for perfection; something unattainable. And when I don't reach it, the wounds from my fall take much longer to heal than I thought they would. Regret is an enemy that comes all too often. It is what keeps the wounds festered. I have heard people say that they do not live with regrets. I do not see this as possible. How can we as humans never regret? I sometimes think I am too dramatic. My life has never been terrible nor glamorous. And yet I make it so. But hey, saying the carpet I walk on is red instead of white and the animal I meet is a lion instead of a house cat isn't stretching the truth..that much. I just wish I could tame that lion.
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Where do I belong?
Have you ever felt like you don't belong? Like, wherever you go, you aren't at home? You thought you knew where you were supposed to be but now you aren't so sure. You walk around in a world where everyone seems to know where they are going. But you feel lost. You don't know what your map looks like. It is scribbled and blurred and unreadable.
I've made decisions. But I am contemplating change. Am I right? Or am I wrong? What is my purpose? What is my ambition? I need a holy ambition. I haven't found one. What does God want me to do??
What do you want from me God!? I want to do Your will but I am so confused and unsure. Decisions have to be made though. I've gone in too deep to get out. Or have I? What can I do to get out of this mess? Is it even a mess? I don't feel passionate anymore.
I'm not happy where I am. I'm not happy with what I'm doing. Every single say I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I don't like my school and I'm beginning to be unsure about my major. Is this really what I want to do for the rest of my life? I enjoy this subject of my major but do I really want to be doing this for the rest of my life? Stuck in a lab, secluded from the world, and trying things over and over with possibly a huge amount of failures before I get to where I want to be?
Or do I want to do what I love most. Do I want to write? Can I make that into a career? Is it possible? Is it probable? Is it wise? When I think about that...when I think of possibly writing plays or poetry or fiction or something of that sort...for the rest of my life...it makes me smile. It makes me get excited. What if I wrote for a magazine? What if I was an editor? What if I blogged for a living? What if I wrote plays or screenplays? That would be thrilling...
But what if I get there and think the same thing I thought of this choice? What if I am just a recipe for failure? What if college is just not for me. What if...that's all I can ask.
So many questions. I want answers! HELP. I just want to go in a dark room all alone and PRAY!!! For weeks and weeks...until I hear .. Until I figure it out. Really, I just want to know God and be near Him. That is my One goal and purpose. How do I incorporate that into my life? How?
I've made decisions. But I am contemplating change. Am I right? Or am I wrong? What is my purpose? What is my ambition? I need a holy ambition. I haven't found one. What does God want me to do??
What do you want from me God!? I want to do Your will but I am so confused and unsure. Decisions have to be made though. I've gone in too deep to get out. Or have I? What can I do to get out of this mess? Is it even a mess? I don't feel passionate anymore.
I'm not happy where I am. I'm not happy with what I'm doing. Every single say I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I don't like my school and I'm beginning to be unsure about my major. Is this really what I want to do for the rest of my life? I enjoy this subject of my major but do I really want to be doing this for the rest of my life? Stuck in a lab, secluded from the world, and trying things over and over with possibly a huge amount of failures before I get to where I want to be?
Or do I want to do what I love most. Do I want to write? Can I make that into a career? Is it possible? Is it probable? Is it wise? When I think about that...when I think of possibly writing plays or poetry or fiction or something of that sort...for the rest of my life...it makes me smile. It makes me get excited. What if I wrote for a magazine? What if I was an editor? What if I blogged for a living? What if I wrote plays or screenplays? That would be thrilling...
But what if I get there and think the same thing I thought of this choice? What if I am just a recipe for failure? What if college is just not for me. What if...that's all I can ask.
So many questions. I want answers! HELP. I just want to go in a dark room all alone and PRAY!!! For weeks and weeks...until I hear .. Until I figure it out. Really, I just want to know God and be near Him. That is my One goal and purpose. How do I incorporate that into my life? How?
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The Truth. No Lies
I have been at college now for over three weeks. I am not going to lie. It has been extremely tough for me. The first weekend here, and even the first week, was awful. My roommate bailed on me, I had no friends, someone stole from my checking account, as well as the normal feelings of loneliness and nervousness.
As the first week ended it seemed to be becoming better. I went home and things were awesome. But I didn't want to go back. The next week kind of stunk too. I had my ups and downs; way more frequently than normal. I had high highs and low lows. I was, and still am completely out of my element. I am beginning college, which is way different than high school, and I am in a new town and place in a dorm sharing four showers with thirty other girls. I missed my family. I missed my friends. I was overwhelmed. I was lonely.
With all of this going on you think I would turn directly to God. But the truth is, I drifted much farther away from Him. Today I opened my Bible for the first time in weeks. Well, yes, I opened my Bible at Church and at Campus Christians and Campus Crusade for Christ. But it didn't mean anything. My heart wasn't in it. I wasn't right with God. I was angry with Him. I was upset with Him. I ignored Him. Everything I did, everything I said was empty. Just emptiness that came from the hole that formed inside me.
I don't know why I always think I can do things alone. I am always afraid to ask for help. I'm prideful, stubborn, and arrogant. "What? Need God's help? Nah! I can do it all by myself. I'm not stupid." But I am stupid. I am foolish.
I opened my Bible this evening just wanting God to show me His love. But for the first time in a long time I was open to Him. I wanted to hear Him speak to me. I opened my Bible to Romans 1. Don't ask me why. It just happened. I began reading. Then I got to verse 18. Keep in mind that I've read these verses many many times. Although I haven't read them in a while, they were some of my favorites.
18-20
"The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse."
At this point I'm thinking what I'm always thinking when I read this. "YES! You foolish atheists, look! Can't you see God?? Why do you deny the truth that is before your eyes?? Why can't you see!?"
I kept reading.
21-23
"For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles."
I stopped being indignant in my mind and started really thinking and soon began to cry as reality sunk in. I've been believing lies. I haven't been glorifying God or thanking Him for what He's done for me. I've been selfish and angry and upset with Him. I thought I could handle everything on my own. I thought I was so great and smart. But I'm a fool. I placed EVERYTHING else before Him. I was more focused on my little pity parties than actually talking to God.
24-25
"Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen."
My heart sank when I read "they exchanged the truth of God for a lie". I am the queen of lying to myself. I feed myself lies daily. Most of them are put downs. Like "I'm not good enough", "No one loves me", "no one would want to be friends with me", "I'm a dork", "I can't", "I will never be able to"..ect ect. I haven't been grounding myself in God's truth. I haven't been keeping my foundation on the rock. In fact, I think I jumped off the rock and am stumbling along the beach being hit in the face with the waves.
28-32
"Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."
So, I began reading hoping to just get a bunch of lovey dovey Jesus loves you no matter what you do crap and instead I got a slap in the face, which is really what I needed. The truth is, I know God loves me. That's not what I needed to hear at this point. I needed to hear God say: "Ali, get your act together." And that's exactly what happened.
As the first week ended it seemed to be becoming better. I went home and things were awesome. But I didn't want to go back. The next week kind of stunk too. I had my ups and downs; way more frequently than normal. I had high highs and low lows. I was, and still am completely out of my element. I am beginning college, which is way different than high school, and I am in a new town and place in a dorm sharing four showers with thirty other girls. I missed my family. I missed my friends. I was overwhelmed. I was lonely.
With all of this going on you think I would turn directly to God. But the truth is, I drifted much farther away from Him. Today I opened my Bible for the first time in weeks. Well, yes, I opened my Bible at Church and at Campus Christians and Campus Crusade for Christ. But it didn't mean anything. My heart wasn't in it. I wasn't right with God. I was angry with Him. I was upset with Him. I ignored Him. Everything I did, everything I said was empty. Just emptiness that came from the hole that formed inside me.
I don't know why I always think I can do things alone. I am always afraid to ask for help. I'm prideful, stubborn, and arrogant. "What? Need God's help? Nah! I can do it all by myself. I'm not stupid." But I am stupid. I am foolish.
I opened my Bible this evening just wanting God to show me His love. But for the first time in a long time I was open to Him. I wanted to hear Him speak to me. I opened my Bible to Romans 1. Don't ask me why. It just happened. I began reading. Then I got to verse 18. Keep in mind that I've read these verses many many times. Although I haven't read them in a while, they were some of my favorites.
18-20
"The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse."
At this point I'm thinking what I'm always thinking when I read this. "YES! You foolish atheists, look! Can't you see God?? Why do you deny the truth that is before your eyes?? Why can't you see!?"
I kept reading.
21-23
"For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles."
I stopped being indignant in my mind and started really thinking and soon began to cry as reality sunk in. I've been believing lies. I haven't been glorifying God or thanking Him for what He's done for me. I've been selfish and angry and upset with Him. I thought I could handle everything on my own. I thought I was so great and smart. But I'm a fool. I placed EVERYTHING else before Him. I was more focused on my little pity parties than actually talking to God.
24-25
"Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen."
My heart sank when I read "they exchanged the truth of God for a lie". I am the queen of lying to myself. I feed myself lies daily. Most of them are put downs. Like "I'm not good enough", "No one loves me", "no one would want to be friends with me", "I'm a dork", "I can't", "I will never be able to"..ect ect. I haven't been grounding myself in God's truth. I haven't been keeping my foundation on the rock. In fact, I think I jumped off the rock and am stumbling along the beach being hit in the face with the waves.
28-32
"Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."
So, I began reading hoping to just get a bunch of lovey dovey Jesus loves you no matter what you do crap and instead I got a slap in the face, which is really what I needed. The truth is, I know God loves me. That's not what I needed to hear at this point. I needed to hear God say: "Ali, get your act together." And that's exactly what happened.
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