The Risk

I have been praying a lot lately, I’m not just saying that to say that to say that...or impress anyone, or convince people that God made the decisions I am making. I really have been praying because I really want God to be first in my life. I want Him to be the focus of my life and every choice I make to be made around Him. At first I was frustrated because I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere. I was reading my Bible every single day and praying, but I was irritated because I still felt so far away. During Spring Break I was so confused as to what I was supposed to do. 

For the past couple months I’ve been in the process of giving myself back to God. He is so amazing and incredible and deserves to be praised. I am in awe of Him. How could He love someone such as me? How could He die for me and all of my sins? I can hardly comprehend it all. I've realized I’ve been taking things for granted lately. Every single day is a gift from God. I have been enjoying myself more because I’ve been appreciating the little things and the big things. I've realized how blessed I am. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about risks. I have always hated them. This is because I don't like to make mistakes or have regrets. But really, every single day is a risk right? Every day I have a chance of breathing my last. I never know what will happen. God has His own plan and I am NEVER in control. This is something I have to get used to. I have to trust Him. I think that is something that He wants me to learn. I have to have faith.

Living every day by just going through the motions isn’t cutting it anymore. I don’t know when I could die. I don’t know if I will even finish typing this. But I don’t think I should be wasting time anymore.I waste time so much. I am such a procrastinator. And I don’t like taking risks because I am always scared. Let me repeat. I am ALWAYS scared. But I shouldn’t be afraid. God has not given me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, and of love, and a sound mind. With God I can do all things and if I trust in Him, there is no reason to be afraid anymore. I can now step out on my waves in this storm of a life that I am so afraid of and take a chance. I don't want to die wondering what would have happened if...

Driving

I am sitting in the driver's seat of my vehicle, driving down a road that is long and seemingly never ending. I do not remember when I was not driving. I do not remember when I was not staring at the paved road in front of me. The scenery on the sides of me change every single day. Sometimes I see vast fields of nothing, other times I see towns or cities or just roads leading to different places. There have been times where I take exits to stop off and rest in a city, or to keep driving in different directions, but those times are few.

There have been times when I smell dead skunks on the side of the road and I smell them for miles at a time, unable to get rid of the perpetrating odor. There have also been times that I have been distracted by something on the side of the road and almost lose control of the car. Sometimes I turn up the music and sing loudly so that nothing can distract me from my task at hand: driving.

Sometimes I pretend that I am something that I am not. I sit in my seat and pretend I am driving a race car and concentrate really hard on my turns and my acceleration and sometimes I go faster than I really need to.

There are times when I am impatient with others around me and that are holding me up. I yell at the slow grandma driving ahead of me and ride her bumper until I can pass her up. There are other times when I don't feel like passing anyone and I stay behind the crowd, letting others pass me. I don't feel like going anywhere and my motivation and speed decrease dramatically.

There are times I miss my turn off and keep going on the road because I wasn't paying attention and I have no idea where I am. There are times I turn off too soon because I become too anxious about reaching my destination. I become lost for hours and I panic because I absolutely hate that feeling. But I only stop and ask for directions when I am desperate because I am too prideful to ask for help. I don't like feeling incapable.

Sometimes when the weather becomes hot and unbearable, I begin to have optical allusions. I think I see what is ahead but I don't. I am being tricked and lied to. This happens often because I am so gullible, even by my own mind. I think that something is going to happen that really isn't, or I see something or someone how I want to see them. I am tricked.

When I am driving for too long I become tired. I know I can't do this by myself. I need someone to take over. But sometimes I keep on driving. The Person who is in the passenger seat tried to help. He tells me to just pull over and He will drive. But I don't let Him. I say that I can do it on my own. I don't need His help. Sometimes I become so frustrated and stubborn that I make Him sit in the back seat so I can have control over everything.

I am selfish. I am prideful. I think I can do everything on my own. I don't trust the One who can help me. I need to have faith. I need Jesus. Please get in the driver's seat.