I Don't Know!

I've learned a lot about myself in the past six weeks. I always thought that sounded strange when people said things like that. I mean...come on..you learned more about yourself? Aren't you already supposed to know? Shouldn't you do something more productive like...learning about other people? I guess that was just yet another attitude I had that was wrong. I have so many of those. Well, God has been showing me my attitude and revealing my heart to me and beginning to break down my old mindsets.

When I was younger I believed that if you didn't go to college after you graduated high school, you went to jail. I was shocked when my friend told me that her older brother was not going to college. Yes, I thought it was illegal.

Of course, I later realized this was false and you would not be arrested if you chose not to go to college. However, I believe this mindset stuck: people should go to college after they graduate. If they don't, they won't succeed in life. if they do, they must choose a major and stick with it. If they change it, they don't know what they're doing. If they transfer, same thing. Although I did not realize it completely, this was my mindset, among other things.

From the time you are able to talk until who knows when...people always ask you the same questions: what do you want to be when you grow up? Where are you going to college? What do you want to major in? What do you want to have a career in? What are your future plans?

Even when you are a baby people talk about what you are going to be and what you are going to do. When you meet someone what do you ask? "What do you do?" Your job is not only your career, but who you are, and how people percieve you.

A lot of pressure is put on high school students their junior and senior year to make a decision; not only by other people, but themselves as well. If you are asked every day where you are going to college and have to answer "I don't know" every single time, and watch the person's facial disapproval, then you are most likely going to want to come up with an answer soon.

I am not, by any means, saying it is bad that some students know where they are going and what they are doing by the time they are a Junior in high school. That is great. But every single person is different. It's okay to say "I don't know yet". And even if you have your plans all made up, be open to change. Do we ever really know what is going to happen? Proverbs 16:9 says: "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."

This week I changed my major, something I said I'd never do. I thought about transferring, which is also something I said I'd never do. I think God is really opening up my heart and my mind to things that I never would have considered before. He says: "Ali, it's not your life, it's Mine. It's not about you. It's about Me." The world might have certain expectations for me, but all that matters is what God wants from me. I am not trying to please the world. I am trying to please God.

So, for right now, I'm still trying to figure everything out. And that's okay. We don't have to KNOW everything. In fact, I think God makes it that way. We don't know everything, so we can rely on Him; the One who does know everything. So I can proudly say I don't know what my future holds, but I do know Who is holding the future.

An Itch in My Heart

Lately, I've been asking a lot of questions. You can probably tell by my last blog post. The main question was: "where do I belong?" Well, I don't know the answer to that quite yet, but I know that God will reveal it to me in time..His time.

Tonight, I saw two guys on a stage, doing what they loved; passionately following their dream. I almost cried several times. I love watching passionate people doing what they love. And they are amazing at it! It's so fulfilling. I'm not sure why, since I'm not doing what they are doing. But I love seeing it..witnessing it. Maybe because I can actually see that it isn't hopeless. There are people in the world doing what they love...and they are making it. And I want to support them in everything they do.

As the show went on, I felt something. My heart began to itch. I know God has a plan for me. I just don't know what it is yet. But I want to find it. I want to search, I want to grow, and I want to be where He wants me to be. Because I know that is the best place for me; and the place I should be.

As I said, I don't have the answers. But I will strive and yearn and search until I find them. I don't know where I'm supposed to be. But I will let God search my heart. I will pray for guidance. And most important of all, I will listen for the answer that will guide me into the place in which I so long to be.

This evening after I arrived home I took my dog outside for her to do her business one last time before bed. A song came to me. So there, in the dark of the night in my backyard, I sang the song that God seemed to place in my heart. I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure where it came from, but it was what was on my heart. In fact, my dog was quite concerned for me and was acting strange. I sing all the time and she never acted this way so it was weird for her..and me. The words were raw and real and only for the One who heard them. The melody will soon be forgotten because it was a one time God thing. A prayer in song.

God I don't know, but You do. God I am not sure, but I know You have it all in Your hands. God, my heart itches; please scratch it. Fulfill me. Only You can do this. Only you. Wherever I end up, I want it to be where You want me.

This blog post is quite random and it might not make any sense. I guess I will see in the morning when I look at it in confusion...