Breathe

Do you know the feeling of pure excitement? When you just want to do something...anything...but you can't? You want to sing and dance and scream and shout...just to be able to speak. You want to tell the whole world what is on your mind. It's the feeling that you are bursting at the seams. Something wants to come out of you, but you are silent.

Your heart won't stop pounding. You shake at times because what else can you do? Your mind is boggled. There are butterflies...in your stomach. But you don't want to call them butterflies. They seem like giant birds. You have to put major self control into place or else you might do something impulsive. You're happy...but you can't explain why; joyful really. But you're sad too, sad that you can't move.

All you can do is breathe. You breathe and you wonder how many more breaths you have left. Six-hundred? Or six-hundred million? Who do you want to spend the rest of those breaths with? Do you look forward to tomorrow? Does it thrill you? Does it scare you? Because...it's not that you want to be with somebody you could just live with...no...we do that with roommates...maybe even brothers or sisters. But you...what you really want is to be with somebody you can't live without.

I Don't Know!

I've learned a lot about myself in the past six weeks. I always thought that sounded strange when people said things like that. I mean...come on..you learned more about yourself? Aren't you already supposed to know? Shouldn't you do something more productive like...learning about other people? I guess that was just yet another attitude I had that was wrong. I have so many of those. Well, God has been showing me my attitude and revealing my heart to me and beginning to break down my old mindsets.

When I was younger I believed that if you didn't go to college after you graduated high school, you went to jail. I was shocked when my friend told me that her older brother was not going to college. Yes, I thought it was illegal.

Of course, I later realized this was false and you would not be arrested if you chose not to go to college. However, I believe this mindset stuck: people should go to college after they graduate. If they don't, they won't succeed in life. if they do, they must choose a major and stick with it. If they change it, they don't know what they're doing. If they transfer, same thing. Although I did not realize it completely, this was my mindset, among other things.

From the time you are able to talk until who knows when...people always ask you the same questions: what do you want to be when you grow up? Where are you going to college? What do you want to major in? What do you want to have a career in? What are your future plans?

Even when you are a baby people talk about what you are going to be and what you are going to do. When you meet someone what do you ask? "What do you do?" Your job is not only your career, but who you are, and how people percieve you.

A lot of pressure is put on high school students their junior and senior year to make a decision; not only by other people, but themselves as well. If you are asked every day where you are going to college and have to answer "I don't know" every single time, and watch the person's facial disapproval, then you are most likely going to want to come up with an answer soon.

I am not, by any means, saying it is bad that some students know where they are going and what they are doing by the time they are a Junior in high school. That is great. But every single person is different. It's okay to say "I don't know yet". And even if you have your plans all made up, be open to change. Do we ever really know what is going to happen? Proverbs 16:9 says: "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."

This week I changed my major, something I said I'd never do. I thought about transferring, which is also something I said I'd never do. I think God is really opening up my heart and my mind to things that I never would have considered before. He says: "Ali, it's not your life, it's Mine. It's not about you. It's about Me." The world might have certain expectations for me, but all that matters is what God wants from me. I am not trying to please the world. I am trying to please God.

So, for right now, I'm still trying to figure everything out. And that's okay. We don't have to KNOW everything. In fact, I think God makes it that way. We don't know everything, so we can rely on Him; the One who does know everything. So I can proudly say I don't know what my future holds, but I do know Who is holding the future.