Driving

I am sitting in the driver's seat of my vehicle, driving down a road that is long and seemingly never ending. I do not remember when I was not driving. I do not remember when I was not staring at the paved road in front of me. The scenery on the sides of me change every single day. Sometimes I see vast fields of nothing, other times I see towns or cities or just roads leading to different places. There have been times where I take exits to stop off and rest in a city, or to keep driving in different directions, but those times are few.

There have been times when I smell dead skunks on the side of the road and I smell them for miles at a time, unable to get rid of the perpetrating odor. There have also been times that I have been distracted by something on the side of the road and almost lose control of the car. Sometimes I turn up the music and sing loudly so that nothing can distract me from my task at hand: driving.

Sometimes I pretend that I am something that I am not. I sit in my seat and pretend I am driving a race car and concentrate really hard on my turns and my acceleration and sometimes I go faster than I really need to.

There are times when I am impatient with others around me and that are holding me up. I yell at the slow grandma driving ahead of me and ride her bumper until I can pass her up. There are other times when I don't feel like passing anyone and I stay behind the crowd, letting others pass me. I don't feel like going anywhere and my motivation and speed decrease dramatically.

There are times I miss my turn off and keep going on the road because I wasn't paying attention and I have no idea where I am. There are times I turn off too soon because I become too anxious about reaching my destination. I become lost for hours and I panic because I absolutely hate that feeling. But I only stop and ask for directions when I am desperate because I am too prideful to ask for help. I don't like feeling incapable.

Sometimes when the weather becomes hot and unbearable, I begin to have optical allusions. I think I see what is ahead but I don't. I am being tricked and lied to. This happens often because I am so gullible, even by my own mind. I think that something is going to happen that really isn't, or I see something or someone how I want to see them. I am tricked.

When I am driving for too long I become tired. I know I can't do this by myself. I need someone to take over. But sometimes I keep on driving. The Person who is in the passenger seat tried to help. He tells me to just pull over and He will drive. But I don't let Him. I say that I can do it on my own. I don't need His help. Sometimes I become so frustrated and stubborn that I make Him sit in the back seat so I can have control over everything.

I am selfish. I am prideful. I think I can do everything on my own. I don't trust the One who can help me. I need to have faith. I need Jesus. Please get in the driver's seat.

Where do I belong?

Have you ever felt like you don't belong? Like, wherever you go, you aren't at home? You thought you knew where you were supposed to be but now you aren't so sure. You walk around in a world where everyone seems to know where they are going. But you feel lost. You don't know what your map looks like. It is scribbled and blurred and unreadable.

I've made decisions. But I am contemplating change. Am I right? Or am I wrong? What is my purpose? What is my ambition? I need a holy ambition. I haven't found one. What does God want me to do??

What do you want from me God!? I want to do Your will but I am so confused and unsure. Decisions have to be made though. I've gone in too deep to get out. Or have I? What can I do to get out of this mess? Is it even a mess? I don't feel passionate anymore.

I'm not happy where I am. I'm not happy with what I'm doing. Every single say I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I don't like my school and I'm beginning to be unsure about my major. Is this really what I want to do for the rest of my life? I enjoy this subject of my major but do I really want to be doing this for the rest of my life? Stuck in a lab, secluded from the world, and trying things over and over with possibly a huge amount of failures before I get to where I want to be?

Or do I want to do what I love most. Do I want to write? Can I make that into a career? Is it possible? Is it probable? Is it wise? When I think about that...when I think of possibly writing plays or poetry or fiction or something of that sort...for the rest of my life...it makes me smile. It makes me get excited. What if I wrote for a magazine? What if I was an editor? What if I blogged for a living? What if I wrote plays or screenplays? That would be thrilling...

But what if I get there and think the same thing I thought of this choice? What if I am just a recipe for failure? What if college is just not for me. What if...that's all I can ask.

So many questions. I want answers! HELP. I just want to go in a dark room all alone and PRAY!!! For weeks and weeks...until I hear .. Until I figure it out. Really, I just want to know God and be near Him. That is my One goal and purpose. How do I incorporate that into my life? How?